2012: The End

As the world around us braces for the end of times, I AM READY.

2012 has been a real year of ups and downs for me (though it truly seems like more downs), both personally and professionally, and I'm embracing the fresh start that comes with a new year - whether it's here on this mortal Earth, or somewhere else, depending on whether the world comes to an end in the next couple of weeks.  So I say, bring it on!

Get out your tissue box:

In February, my dog ate protein squares that I had baked using Xylitol - which can be deadly for dogs - and spent 24 hours in the animal hospital on an IV to save her from hypoglycemia and irreparable liver damage (thankfully, she was ok, and recovered fully).  While she was in the hospital, I got a call from my parents, telling me that my Dad had kidney cancer, and would be going in for surgery ten days later (he also recovered fully, and is now involved in a drug trial).  I missed my period that month, which has never happened to me before, and after MANY home pregnancy tests and then a trip to the doc for bloodwork, it was determined that it was due to stress.  I had myself so convinced that I was pregnant that part of me was disappointed when I wasn't, if I'm being completely honest. 

By the end of March, I was laid off from my job.  My boyfriend had his ACL surgery in April, so the timing wasn't terrible and I could look after him.  I tried to approach the layoff with a positive attitude; truth be told, I really didn't like that job!  Sooner than expected though, the novelty wore off.  I was applying for jobs by the hundreds, and getting nothing but rejection e-mails.  My boyfriend and I were now doing our own separate workouts in the gym, instead of spending that quality time together like we had from the very start of our relationship. 

In May, I tried out for the Toronto Triumph, the Lingerie Football team, and made the team.  Then, I broke my wrist in training camp, 3 weeks before our home opener in September!  That made my training difficult, and put my dreams of an October fitness competition on hold.  Another roadblock!

My boyfriend started a new job, which was a really great opportunity, and he seemed genuinely excited about going to work, which filled me with happiness for him and hope that I could find the same for myself.  When a job finally did come along, it was out of town - 3 hours away, and in my little hometown - certainly another hurdle, but it was a really positive opportunity for me, and since it was only a contract, it didn't mean long term.  Besides, we'd see eachother on weekends!

I started my new job August 29th, and on October 6th, my boyfriend broke up with me.  I thought he'd been acting strangely because he was going to propose - I'd even gone so far as to look for the ring! - and he was unhappy, and tells me he had been for a long time.  Needless to say, I was, and AM heartbroken.  To add insult to injury, he continued to live in our home (MY house) in the city for another month while he looked for a new place, since I was only there on weekends.  It was like we broke up every weekend for a month.

After the breakup, I did something that I never in a million years would have thought that I would do: I drank.  Daily.  For more than a month.

I have had my head and my heart set on this "30 year plan" of mine for so long that I grieved all the way to the bottom of the bottle and then some.  No longer was 'married with a baby on the way' a possibility by 30.  It didn't matter that I have owned a home since I was 25, or that I have a promising career and make good money.  My family, friends and my dog still loved me.  The man that I loved no longer loved me.  It was Earth-shattering.

I stopped working out, I stopped eating right.  I generally stopped caring for myself emotionally and physically.  Even in the moments that I thought to myself "you deserve better than this" or "just go to the gym - you'll feel better", I didn't.  I was having a permanent pity-party for one.

\End sob story.

So here I sit, December 4th, 2012, less than a month from my 29th birthday.  I'm in my apartment - my home away from home, I guess - and it's time to redefine myself, and prepare to enter my 30th year of life with a clean slate (while I still have a healthy liver).

Rather than a 30 year plan, my hope is to make a "30 before 30" list.  Instead of a list of things I want to accomplish by my 30th birthday, knowing that I will be devastated if I haven't accomplished them, the hope is to list 30 EXPERIENCES that I can have in the next year.  Though the list isn't yet complete, it's quite varied; those who know me well might not expect some of them.  I hope that my friends and supporters can help me add to the list, and maybe even complete some of the items.

It's time for me to stop feeling sorry for the life that I'm not leading, and embrace the one that I am.  I am a firm believer that things happen for a reason.  Even though I don't understand those reasons, I know deep down that this is the path I'm supposed to be on.

Please cheer me on.  Stand behind me.  Better yet, stand beside me. 

I will follow this post with my 30 before 30 list.  If you have suggestions, PLEASE share them in the comments, so that I can add to my list.  Remember: these are experiences to help me grow in some way, not accomplishments that will define me.  If there is an experience that you want to be a part of, let me know!  We'll try to make it happen.

Never forget:  Love what you can, when you can.  And when you can't, let your loved ones help!

xo
Mandy